The most unwittingly funny boasts in hip hop history
This morning while heading to work, we were listening to Notorious B.I.G’s Greatest Hits and laughing at one of his less-than-successful boasts, which you’ll read about below. This started a conversation about how a lot of the posturing on hip hop tracks comes across as unwittingly hilarious.
Below are the funniest ones I could recall off the top of my head, because deep research is for suckers.
Enjoy, and feel free to add to the list in the comments; like our list of the least rock ‘n’ roll words used in rock songs, this is a living document and the good work is never done.
Juicy – Notorious B.I.G.
“Phone bill about two G’s flat
No need to worry, my accountant handles that.”
Translation: I signed a prohibitively expensive phone contract, and you better believe I am making long-distance calls, returning calls after being paged (often at 5:46am), and copping excessive roaming charges for my brick mobile phone. Car phone? You better believe it. #ThugLife. I am paying for this, but my accountant settles the bill, despite letting me know passive-aggressively that perhaps I should reconsider my phone habits.
Forgot About Dre – Dr Dre and Eminem
Hated on by most these niggas with no cheese, no deals and no G’s
No wheels and no keys, no boats, no snowmobiles, and no skis
Translation: Why would I pay attention to negative energy from someone who is so unsuccessful that they don’t even own a snowmobile, nor a pair of skis to shred the white powder after said snowmobile has gotten me to the top of whatever ski run I happen to be holidaying at ‘cos I’m from the streets of C-C-Compton.
Gin and Juice – Snoop Dogg(y Dogg)
Two in the mornin and the party’s still jumpin
cause my momma ain’t home
Translation: I still live with my mum, and believe that a party that stretches until the modest hour of 2am is somehow a wild, “jumpin” occurrence. That’s some gangsta shit!
Fuck Wit Dre Day – Dr Dre
Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick’s gots to fit
Translation: Guess who’s back? Back again. I am either fucking someone who is so toothless that I can insert my dick between the sizable gap, or I have a micropenis that can fit between a single gap between two front teeth. Either way, I need to rethink this boast/insult.
The Motto – Drake and Lil Wayne
Seven, grams in the blunt
Almost drowned in her pussy so I swam to her butt
Translation: Much like Dre above, I need a tighter gap in which to place my appendage. A vagina simply wasn’t doing the job. I was drowning in it, as stated.
Insane In The Brain – Cypress Hill
Bro, I got ta’ maintain
‘Cause a nigga like me is goin’ insane
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
TRANSLATION: If you mess with me, I am going to go loco, and this particular insanity will be located in the membrane, which is a pliable, sheet-like structure which acts as a boundary/lining in an organism. In other words, I have a nasty skin rash. You got me fired me, and now I am flushed.
What’s Love – Fat Joe, Ashanti, Ja Rule
Woo! Yeah, slow down baby
Let you know from the gate I don’t go down lady
TRANSLATION: I may be morbidly obese, unattractive, and fiercely misogynistic, but at least I won’t pleasure you, orally. I promise.
The article was originally published on The Industry Observer