This morning, I was doing my usual 22km jog into the BRAG offices when I noticed a billboard on the side of a bus stop shelter which is no doubt intended to spin into a viral campaign — as if such things can be decided upon in board rooms — coyly asking if the Golden Tim Tam could be found in the CBD.

Find the Golden Tim Tam?

This was a clear copyright violation of chocolate manufacturer Willy Wonka’s long-standing golden ticket search, the only way to find suitable business successors in the pre-Seek days.

Now, I already know Tim Tam’s rebuttal: they have been dabbling in this gold-based wish fulfillment realm for over two decades now. Exhibit A) The Tim Tam genie advertisements from the late ’90s.

These were classics, starring both a young Cate Blanchett and N’fa from turn-of-the-century hip hop act 1200 Techniques, and involved a genie granting short-sighted wishes involving three never-ending packets of Tim Tams.

Here’s a non-Blanchett one from 2001, with Kyle from Head Start in the Blanchett role.

Now, nowhere in the whole genie/lamp mythos does it involve searching for a golden anything. The lamp is golden, but it is not searched for, it is stumbled across.

See below for Tim Tam’s insidious attempt to link their genie legacy, the current buzz around Apollo from The Bachelor (who was one of the most likeable from that season), and the search for a golden ticket.. .sorry, a golden Tim Tam, into a promotional campaign designed to resonate with your childhood.

We see what you’re doing.

This is all meant to trigger thoughts of Willy Wonka, and not scary, confused thoughts like in the psychedelic boat scene, but happy hopeful thoughts like during the ‘Pure Imagination’ song that Wonka sings just prior to the death of the first child.

I miss the days when Wonka employed ruthless methods such as indentured servitude, pitting children against each other, and double agents such as Slugworth.

Wonka needs to stamp this out, and quickly. Or before too long, we’ll be see snozzberry-flavoured Tim Tams on our shelves, with ‘new’ fizzy-lifting qualities.

Good day, sir!

The article was originally published on Brag Magazine