An open letter to FIFA President Gianni: Sorry we’ve been so Australian
Hope you’re having a great day. It’s pretty cold here in Sydney today, but not nearly as cold as Russia’s attitude towards basic human rights.
Anyway, wanted to write and let you know how the Aus v France game the other night played out.
We know you’re super busy, so we’ll keep it short.
It was a game of 3 halves, in which we lost 2-1. We scored one, they scored one, and there was also this dogshit penalty handed to them on a silver platter due to your new technology, VAR (Virtually Absymal Referee).
Seen: Dogshit penalty
Just wanted to say we are super proud to be the first team in history to get utterly dicked by VAR . We’ll make sure to put it on our mantelpiece next to the PTSD-inducing framed photo of Lucas Neill being deadset robbed in 2006 and a plaster cast of Tim Cahill’s forehead.
After the rage had subsided , we were thinking about how good it would be to have one of these bullshit decisions go our way. But then, we had a lightbulb moment – maybe the style of play that we call “going hard at the ball” is actually viewed as “being the actual worst blokes” by the football world.
Like 99.9% of Australians, we only watch soccer for a fortnight every four years, so we did some research. In the process we watched a highlights reel of Kevin Muscat’s career, which makes that batshit scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman goes to town on 88 people look like Playschool. Our next letter is to the UFC to suggest he fight Barry Hall in a cage match. 5 rounds. 2 bricks. No mercy.
What we now realise is that this reputation makes us sitting ducks for the likes of the glass-kneed adulterous French and the paper-skinned two-faced Italians, because so much as a nick sees them hit the deck like they’ve been gunned down on the Western Front.
But we’ve copped enough stick. Enough is enough. Let’s meet in the middle and as we say in Australia, “have a red hot crack” at sorting this out.
We don’t speak Italian, and after watching the Opening Ceremony you can’t speak Russian, so let’s rap fresh in a language you understand – bribes.
We’ve put together a few offers below, let us know what tickles your fancy:
1. Three-hour booze cruise on Sydney Harbour. No cover charge, free drink on arrival, no shots after midnight.
2. Corporate box at the Eels v Bulldogs. We’ll make you and your staff feel like the only people at the game, which you almost certainly will be.
3. Free entry to Taronga Zoo*
*has to be your birthday but
So whaddaya reckon, mate? Be a deadset ledge and Make Australia Great Again.
Or in this case, Make Australia Great For the First Time.
Gus and Rig
The article was originally published on Brag Magazine